Bite Me.

"Well, that's unique," my new dentist mumbles from behind his face mask.

I already know what he's referring to as his metallic hook-like instrument scrapes away.

"Uh huh," I manage through an open jaw while fighting inevitable drool. I've got a tooth (or is it teeth?) that never fails to puzzle and amuse those who practice dentistry. I've come to expect this conversation, much like the one we'll have about sealants, fluoride and anything else I should consider purchasing today.

Turns out my "fused tooth" may be one in a million. The hygienist informs me my lateral incisor fused with its neighboring central incisor while my teeth were budding. Those two teeth sort of partnered up and never let go. My lower left jaw would never be the same.

Dentists in three states have expressed wonder and glee at the sight of my slightly deformed friend. One in Virginia said, "Wow. I haven't seen one of these since medical school!"

Things get really interesting when the hygienist hasn't seen the x-rays and proceeds with trying to floss my funky tooth. There's a groove, but no gap exists. Floss shall never tread on this territory. Fusion!


Ann A. Griffen of The Ohio State University College of Dentistry writes that fusion exists "in about 0.5% of children, so it is not all that unusual." I don't know, half of one percent seems rare. She adds that fused teeth often get cavities. Not to discredit the professor here, but I'm proud to boast I've never had a cavity.


What I do get are questions. My favorite comes from one of the hygienists today: "Did you have those teeth fused voluntarily?"

I nearly fall out of the dentist's chair, x-ray bib and all, while Costanza brags about his Jon Voight car on the t.v. overhead.

"Well," she says, "People with sensitive teeth can choose to fuse them to make them stronger."

Maybe I misunderstood or just misheard her. But I know I didn't choose this path for my incisors. Something in nature got them married during my terrible twos period.

And so it seems I'm a stronger person for all this. And I still manage to keep the experts guessing. There's a partnership in my mouth. But you're not invited.



-P.F.